Second-in-line.

Note: Parallels to real life are NOT INTENDED, and deliberately avoided.



She was jealous, and she admitted it. Only to herself though. People would never believe she was capable of having such hard feelings. Each day that feeling gnawed at her heart like a dog and it's bone. That was what her heart had become, hard and unfeeling as bone. The feeling was tiring her, hollowing her heart out but preserving the skin, the face-value. On and on, till she reached a point when she felt she would collapse from within.

It infuriated her that she was weak enough to collapse. It infuriated her that she wasn't strong enough to resist jealousy. But it maddened her that she was never given any acknowledgement, while her friend [she stubbornly refused to think of her as anything less than her close friend] was praised beyond the classroom walls by the Others, the sycophants.

And it wasn't the case of her knowing why she was treated that way. Unable to fathom why she wasn't given equal acknowledgement, she blamed it on herself, as she always did. Supressing her anger and all other negative emotions was nothing new to her. She was quite familiar with it, as a matter of fact, for she couldn't find any other way of preserving her friendship.

Without fail, she received a nice expensive gift from the Others each birthday [wrapped by the saleswoman] and it was always accompanied by a card [the type you pick off a shelf] thanking her "for everything" [the card never specified what exactly]. Then, for a few hours, she'd almost burst with happiness. For a few days, she'd re-read the card. For a few weeks, she'd wonder how she could ever have been jealous of such a loving friend when she was treated the same way by Others.

And by the end of the month, she'd have remembered why.

The terrible feeling would rise again, stronger than ever, like a wave that rises higher and crashes harder each time. She'd spent her every waking moment thinking of a reason, just one, for why this was happening. Her heart and her mind were at constant battle, one telling her she loved her friendship too much to house that evil feeling, jealousy, the other telling her she shouldn't care about those whom she felt inferior around.

She thought perhaps it as because her "friend" [she was getting doubtful as to her being a friend at all] was pretty and cute, that everyone endlessly praised her. Was she too pretty to notice the cringe on the face that was always beside hers?

And what about the Others? Did they think she didn't mind being ignored just because she always smiled with pride when someone praised her friend? Maybe they presumed that the sentence that was added on just for politeness' sake was enough for her. "Oh yea, you too. thanks for helping." She told herself to sincerely feel happy for her friend, just like heroines in movies. They would never dream of feeling jealous. But her fortress of pretence was crumbling along with her spirit, and she feared people would very soon see exactly how she felt. [No hope for genuine praise if that should happen, she thought grimly.]

Fiercer and fiercer, the battle within her raged. Bullets penetrated her failing heart and swords slashed into pieces eyes that had once loved the sight of her friend. She felt herself losing control, and she didn't know if she was angry with her friend for getting all the praise, or angry at the superficial Others.

Till one day, one of them came up to her, and told her how much more they'd accomplished her her around, and how much they appreciated her help. She was overwhelmed, and thought smugly about how her friend should have been there to stand on the side-lines for once. "We never realised how we made you feel", they'd said. " "What made you realise it all of a sudden?", she'd asked, more for curiosity's sake than to be snobbish.

"Your friend of course. She was really angry at us for making you feel that way. You're lucky to have someone like her."

The pent-up jealousy was finally leaving her, through her tears that fell, glistening, onto the gift she'd just received, tiny [but made by a huge heart], cheap [but made by a priceless hands], wrapped in crumpled gift paper [but with a friend's love in each fold], accompanied by a handmade card [that would never be found on a shelf], and a letter, thanking her for everything she'd done, from the time they'd first met, to yesterday.

The only thing she saw was her friend's reflection in her tears.

Perspective.

you know the way some books describe how beautiful autumns are? how soft and white snow is? how beatiful spring dawns and dusks are? how green summer fields are?

sometimes i wonder, just how orange and yellow and pretty are those leaves? how fun is building snowmen? how breathtaking is the appearance and disappearance of the sun? and just how green are those grassy expanses?

the sunrise and sunset i see everyday from my house windows are different. and they look different when i'm at the beach. so they've got to look different in other places. someday i wanna explore, and see these sights books always tempt me with.

someday.

It's been about a year since i started this blog. And i still don't know why i began.

It's a whole new term already. I think i'm still behind my work.

I wish i were more like the people who say they're looking forward to school.

Throw them in the water!

Paka River Camp was fabulous. Seriously. I enjoyed it loads. Kayaking with Daniel, Eileen and Henry was really funny because we kept colliding and arguing over whose fault it was. Trekking up the waterfall was great too, especially when we reached the top and swam in the icy-cold water. Persist C's such a fun group to be in!

The solo part of the night walk was really funny too. When I was about 25 metres away from the main gate, i heard someone muttering off the path, under the trees. I ignored it and continued walking on, and after a few steps i heard someone running after me. I turned around and saw the "red-faced man", wearing a hood and a long-sleeved black shirt with white designs on it, who [if i remember correctly] was quite tall. He stopped running when i turned around, and i didn't know what i was supposed to do, so i turned and started walking again. Then i heard him running towards me again, so i turned around, and he was just a few steps away from me at this time, so i ventured a "Hello!". Then after a second's pause, he huskily muttered "hello", and disappeared back into the bushes. I wanted to laugh badly, so i hurried on until i reached the gate. I don't know why i didn't recognise the people standing behind the gate, the gate was closed and they were just looking at me from behind it, so i thought they were pretending to be ghosts too, so i walked on past the gate until one of them came out with a torchlight. I could hardly stop laughing at myself.

Everything else went smoothly at camp. I'm really glad for having experienced these activities.

......................................................................

you don't have to forget what happened, just learn to move on.

"A true cricketer at heart"

I don't wanna remember him that way. He looked so different at the wake, not at all like his usual smiling self.

I'm trapping every memory i can collect of him and storing it all away, memories of him coaching, laughing, encouraging, being a friend.

'Cos that's what he always was.


Thank you all for your consolations.

To my constant source of strength.

Coach Denis, this year we train not for ourselves, not for the school, but for you.
For believing in us, and for being our friend more than our coach.
You'll never be gone, 'cos we'll always find you in our hearts.
We'll never forget the wonderful things you did for us.

What say you?

Sometimes, when i watch movies, certain lines that catch my fancy stick in my head, and i'm putting them here now, or what i can remember of them. i hope they are as close to the original as possible.

From Troy:
[voiceover, the first lines of the movie]
"Men are haunted by the vastness of eternity. And so we ask ourselves: will our actions echo across the centuries? will people hear our names and wonder how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?"

[voiceover, the last lines of the movie]
"If ever they tell my story, let them say i walked with giants. Men rise and fall like the winter wheat, but these names live forever. Let them say I lived in the time of Hector, tamer of horses. Let them say I lived in the time Achilles."

From Patch Adams:
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straighforwardly, without pride. I love you because I know no other way. So close that your hand, on my chest, is my hand. So close, that when you close your eyes, i fall asleep."

From The Lord of the Rings:
Frodo:"I wish none of this had ever happened."
Gandalf:"So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to choose. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

"From the ashes a fire will be woken,
A light from the shadows will spring.
Reforged will be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king."

"In the land where shadows lie.
One ring to rule them all,
One ring to find them.
One ring to bring them all,
And in the darkness bind them.
In the land where shadows lie."

Gimli:"I never thought i'd die fighting side-by-side with an elf."
Legolas:"What about side-by-side with a friend?"
Gimli:" Aye, i could do that."

Aragorn:"Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Gondor and Rohan, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!"

"Home is behind, and the world ahead.
There are many path to tread.
Through shadow, to the edge of night.
Until the stars are all alight."

From Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:
"Though we may come from different countries and speak diferent tongues, our hearts beat as one. The bonds of friendship made this year will be more important than ever."



That's all i can remember for now.

One of the quotes above was typed with some reference.